Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Bird in the Band
Bird flu has hit the country which, of course, means that We Are All Going To Die. We've spent a large part of our time since we heard the news panicking, and yes, we do realise that the official government advice is "Don't panic", but we've been reading between the lines.
It also means all manners of restrictions for the movement of poultry and, should the virus transfer to humans - which we firmly believe it will, and we're reasonably convinced that all the mutations will eventuall cause it to reanimate the dead, causing further problems and awkward social situations - chaos as burning bodies line the motorways, public gatherings are discouraged, the living envy the dead and getting a KFC proves to be virtually impossible.
But what, you are no doubt thinking, will all this mean for the music industry? Here's a rough guide to some of the changes you'll need to get used to:-
It also means all manners of restrictions for the movement of poultry and, should the virus transfer to humans - which we firmly believe it will, and we're reasonably convinced that all the mutations will eventuall cause it to reanimate the dead, causing further problems and awkward social situations - chaos as burning bodies line the motorways, public gatherings are discouraged, the living envy the dead and getting a KFC proves to be virtually impossible.
But what, you are no doubt thinking, will all this mean for the music industry? Here's a rough guide to some of the changes you'll need to get used to:-
- Entry numbers to gigs limited so that each punter can have a space of two metres surrounding them. To help achieve this all promoters will be forced, by law, to book James Blunt as the support act, thus slashing demand at a stroke.
- The Tweets to change the dance moves to The Birdie Song to include "The optimistic putting on of a protective mask", "The coughing and sneezing" and "The coughing up blood and dying in a painful, unpleasant manner"
- The Byrds restricted to an exclusion zone eight miles high.
- Stephen Jones, also known as Babybird to be culled as a precaution. Mainly against the risk of him ever performing You're Gorgeous again.
- The Guillemotts to be banned from touring, so there is a bright side.
- All boybands cease and desist from flying through the air on wires in case of mistaken identity.
- All of Kylie Minogue's feathered outfits to be left in the back of the wardrobe for the time being.
- American bands refuse to perform any gigs in either the H5 or N1 postcode regions of the country, just in case.
- Oasis refuse to perform gigs if the audience contains females, as "Liam is scared of birds", although given that Oasis' audience largely consists of moronic lads, this makes no difference whatsoever to their audience.
- Glastonbury still to go ahead, allowing for a mass cull of everyone who still thinks that Glastonbury is worth going to, despite the revelation that the Arctic Sodding Monkeys are headlining.
