Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Thursday, February 01, 2007

The Actual Worst Records... Ever 

His songwriting abilities are roughly on a par with his spelling

Now don't get us wrong here, we absolutely adore Chantelle Houghton and have no problems whatsoever with anyone writing a love song to her, but even if we were to attempt it, and bear in mind that we have all the musical ability of a tone-deaf lettuce leaf, we'd be able to come up with something with more passion, more soul, more excitement and more, well, love, affection and feeling than Preston, her own sodding husband, can manage in the latest single from The Ordinary Boys, I Luv U.

Even the name sums up where it's romantic intentions lie - just below the 'Pack of love hearts' level - and it's lyrics don't aim much higher. Opening with the line "I'm not gonna patronise you" - and who would ever want to patronise Chantelle? Not us, that's for sure. Oh, and if you're reading this Chantelle, 'patronise' means to talk down to someone - and it gets worse from then on in. Preston is attempting to give off clumsily awkward charm, talking about how he finds it hard to find the right words to truly some up his emotions and hoping that a simplistic "I love you" will be more than enough to express exactly how he feels, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that Preston has all the wit and self-awareness of a beetle with a mirror and so just comes across as an idiotic oaf who simply can't be bothered to express himself properly.

None of this would matter, of course, if the tune was any cop, and given that this is a band who've given us such, ahem, masterpieces as Boys Will Be Boys, Seaside and, umm, Boys Will Be Boys again, it wil come as no surprise whatsoever to learn that it's a clod-footed slice of leaden, hopeless despair with all the subtlety of a Daily Mail leader, and even less pleasant to listen to either. If this really is Preston summing up his relationship with Chantelle to the best of his abilities then we can only assume that their marriage is nothing more than a loveless sham, entered into solely for the purpose of prolonging their careers post Celebrity Big Brother and giving OK magazine an excuse to interview them, and that surely can't be the case. After all, didn't Preston recently storm off of Never Mind The Buzzcocks in a demonstration of love after Simon Amstell dared to make fun of his wife? Clearly this has nothing to do with the fact that such a petulant display of pointless chest puffery would make the papers and help promote the release of a single about how much he loves his wife and all to do with him wanting to defend her honour, something which, he might have been better able to do, had he actually, y'know, stayed there to defend it.

I Luv U is in shops now, just in time for Valentines Day. What a coincidence. If your loved one buys you this as a present then it's already over.