Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Monday, January 29, 2007

Pan O'Meara/The H Factor: Day 25/26 

Day 25 in the Celebrity Big Brother house and H, not particularly bothered by the departure of Jo, is starting off the day by climbing into a duvet cother, at the behest of Jack and Danielle, the top is tied up and they then drag him around the garden against his will before attacking him with shoes and pillows. Apparently this turn of events made perfect sense to the housemates but we have absolutely no idea whatsoever what it was all about. After letting H thrash about in the garden like something from Silent Hill for a while, he was eventually let free. "Say something", cried Dirk, simultaneously naming his favourite James song while asking after H's health, "Are you alright?". "I'm dead", replied H, instantly proving himself to be a liar. "What time is it, Ian", asked Jermaine, who for some reason felt that a man who has just spent an indeterminate period of time trapped in some laundry is the best person to show chronal awareness. "Time for Danielle to die", was his considered response, which we think equates to 10, 10.30-ish.

Through H, Jack has learnt that gay people are normal. Surely the fact that this is now the twenty first century and we no longer live in the dark ages should have led Jack to that conclusion by now.

H took Danielle to one side to have a chat with her about Jade. "You're someone who's really lovely", he lied, "but whn toy see someone with a big personality you follow. You were a different person when Jade was in the house.", which isn't true. She's just hiding the more unpleasant side of her character a bit better now. Although not that much better as she went on to say "It was partly Shilpa's fault". "When you get out of here everyone's gonna love you", said H, mispronouncing 'loathe' quite, quite badly.

For their task the housemates had to act out a number of scenes from their time in the Big Brother house, including the chicken argument. H played shilpa and put on an exagerated Indian accent. This may not really have helped matters. Earlier he was also wearing a large pair of fake breasts for no discernable reason to do with the task, but he seemed comfortable with them. Jermaine had the job of playing H as they re-enacted Donny's escape. He was unable to remember his lines which, given that it only amounted to "Donny's gone", may count against him when it comes to this year's Oscar ceremony.

And, with some final thoughts on what might be in store out in the real world for them - "We'll get to see what madness has been going on around us", enthused H, unwisely - the housemates went to bed for the final time, eager to wake up for the final time, looking forward to the evening when it will be, ummm, the final time.

Day 26 in the Celebrity Big Brother and the housemates may or may not have gotten up to anything exciting, Channel 4 didn't bother showing it so we will never know. Instead they leapt straight to announcing the placings and interviewing the respective housemates and our H was 4th, something which he seemed remarkably overjoyed about. He left the house grinning like a man posessed, jumping up and down with glee and waving enthusiastically at the crowd like Wavey Davey from Vic Reeves' Big Night Out. And this from a man who came fourth! If he'd actually won the contest it's likely he would just have exploded into pure joy and sparkles which, while impressive, would likely have made for quite a dull interview with Davina. Although as it was, it wasn't exactly earth shattering. Davina pointed out how nice it was to do an interview with someone who hadn't been booed on their exit. He too was told about the impact the race row has had on the world and he looked rather shocked. "I didn't agree with what Jade said", he pointed out, but given that most people, other than pondlife and members of the BNP, wouldn't, this was hardly worth saying. Davina pushed him on why he didn't step in to try and stop it, but all H could muster was "I've lived a sheltered life and I've not had to deal with compliment. I didn't feel comfortable and equipped to deal with the situation whatsoever". Although frankly, if you're in a situation and the only person who can help you out is a member of Steps then, frankly, you're already in bad place and nothing can really save you, unless the situation is playing Dance Dance Revolution.

The interview briefly moved on to a lighter side, with H admitting to liking the tasks and Davina asking him if he was disappointed there were no hunks in the house - "There's always Dirk", was H's response, which must have pissed off Jack who presumably was put into the house in a desperate attempt to increase the male totty in there - and congratulating him on his own buffness. And finally she rounded off the interview by saying "You went in there as H and came out as Ian". Umm, yes, and that's exactly why we've been referring to him as Ian for the last month. Uh huh.

Anyway, Shilpa won - which means we're now officially not a racist country. Hooray - and the whole thing has finally come to an end. When we started doing this feature we certainly didn't expect to be trying to come up with a 'hilarious' angle on racism, but then, we're not the only ones who didn't get what they expected from the Big Brother experience. Jo, Jade and Danielle, for example, probably expected to still have careers at the end of it. Things will now return to normal here at TiaPL, although this does mean we're going to have to come up with some original ideas, rather than just watch telly every night. Oh dear.