Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Pan O'Meara/The H Factor: Day 2 

Day 2 in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and H is up early, feeling a bit disoriented by the experience so far. "I feel like I'm in an airport lounge", he confided to his fellow early risers, Leo and Ken, although it seems it was Ken who may have been the cause of his confusion: "You have a mighty snore", he told him, "It sounds like a jumbo jet taking off", which we feel was something of an over-exageration. Certainly if we were on a plane and it started making a noise like someone snoring we'd be the first to run around in a panic screaming "The plane's broken! The plane's broken! Arrgh!". Ken's lack of nasal clarity, however, was not a barricade to their friendship, as they were soon chatting about Ken's past - he used to be a sailor, something H could relate to as he must have dressed up as a sailor at some point during his Steps career. And probably in his private life - and Ken's age. H seemed unaccountably shocked and amazed by the revelation that Ken is 80. Mind you, H comes from a pop background where, like an overenthusiastic version of Logan's Run, everyone is culled once they reach the age of 23.

Once she eventually decided to rise and shine, well, rise anyway, Jo was busy moaning about the lack of locks on the bathroom doors. H, ever ready to offer advice, suggested that she whistle while she weed, but neglected to offer any suitable songs which she might use. If we were her we'd probably go for You're My Number One, along with occasional use of Two in a Million, and possibly Don't Stop Motions.

Once she was a bit more awake, she and Donny took a trip to Nowhere to have a fag and bond a bit more. Could this be a budding romance, and why not? They have so much in common; they're both... they like... they have... well they both have the same hair colour at any rate. Donny claimed to have no memory of the events of the previous night's events - and we've all had nights where we've claimed that, haven't we, despite the humiliating goings on being firmly etched into our memory, ready to ambush us when we least expect it - so Jo took it upon herself to fill him in. "You were, like, 'WARGH'", she informed him, concisely summing up the night's events in one mono-syllabic grunt.

While Jo and Donny were fighting their inevitable romantic pairing, H and Danielle were busy fighting their own war of ignorance, namely who had the least awareness of current affairs and the world in general, and, rather than being ashamed about this, they were both fighting proudly to be the king or queen of cretins. Danielle also revealed that despite her inability to connect with the real world on any level, she is apparently quite smart. Or at least has a couple of GCSE's at any rate. What would you have done if you didn't become a model, she was asked. "I wanted to be a forensic scientist", and modelling's loss would have been justice's gain. Well, miscarriages of justice's, anyway.

Dreams are a funny thing, and H and Jo decided to have a chat about their's. "I want to marry someone I admire, have kids, have a family, and rescue animals on a big farm", said Jo, who on realising this promptly left the House to fill in an application form for the RSPCA, achieving her dream in the space of a few seconds. H's dream was a bit more imaginative: "I want to wake up in Central Park, on a blanket, with a guy... I dunno who he is". This, we believe, is what's known as being a tramp in New York and again, would not be that hard to fulfill if he was to put his mind to it.

The conversation then turned towards men, and what sort of guy they both would like. They both agreed that he must have a sense of humour, perhaps because they were both undergoing some sort of task where they had to speak only in cliches, before Jo declared that "He has to be a man, a real man", instantly dashing the hopes of dozens of drag kings who had hoped to try and court her. At this point, Donny walked in, so it's quite clear now that the two of them are going to be shagging by the end of the run and the only thing that's going to stop it will be the incredibly unlikely event of Donny leaping over the fence in disgust at the thought of having to be Jade Goody's servant.

Both Ken and H miss their dogs. What is Claire up to nowadays?

Jermaine, fondly imagining himself to be on a daytime chatshow with a sycophantic host, decided to tell the group a long and boring anecdote which we've all heard many, many times before about how the Jackson 5 started. Jo looked bored and waited for her opportunity to tell her story about how she wanted to be Karen Carpenter and modelled her voice on hers. Danielle walked in just as she was saying that her favourite song was Solitaire. "You mean the game?", asked Danielle innocently. Jo explained to her that it was by The Carpenters", "Are they a band?", she questioned, presumably labouring under the belief that there was a very real possibility that Jo was talking about a pair of joiners.

Locked in the bedroom while Big Brother prepares a party for them, Cleo put on a spangly dress and sang a song. Rather than calling her an irritating annoyance who's trying far too hard, H declared her to be a 'MILF', an expression which caused some confusion for Ken. Jo and H explained it to him and a light went on somewhere in his head, possibly blowing a circuit as he responded "AH, Foo-foo! Let's all foo-foo!". We hope to god his dog's not called Foo-Foo. Having solved that particular mystery, H kept his investigative hat on as the celebrities tried to work out what BB was up to in the main house. "I reckon Jermaine knows something we don't", said H and Jo was quick to join in "He looks guilty!". Jermaine just sat there, smiling and looking bemused, a position he remained in when their interrogation broke down into a series of poor quality Michael Jackson impressions from Bo Selecta. If we'd have been him we'd have gotten really pissed off. Not because of the insult to our brother, just because Bo Selecta is really shit.

We weren't in S Club 7 - we can't dance and look terrible in primary colours - but if we were we'd be damned proud of our back catalogue. Reach in particular would always hold a special place in our hearts, thanks to it's near perfect pop heart and tuneful majesty, so if we'd been in the house and they started playing it, we'd swell with pride and sing along to it, glad to have been a part of something so amazing. Jo had similar views, choosing the moment they played it during the party to flounce off in a hissy fit, moan "Why would they do that", look sulky and generally not get involved, despite the fact that every single other person in the house was having a great time. We can only assume that she'd hoped they were going to play What Hurts the Most instead, even if we now know the answer is clearly "being reminded of my past".

Finally, H went into the diary room to give his views on his fellow housemates. "Donny is like a cross between Rhys Ifans, Jimmy Saville and Shaggy from Scooby Doo". Hmmm, someone who appears in videos by crap bands, is seen as a laughing stock by the British public and doesn't really do anything useful. By jove, he's right!