Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Pan O'Meara/The H Factor: Day 13 

Day 13 in the Celebrity Big Brother house and the whole racism based furore is moving on to a whole new territory, with protests taking place in India against Shilpa's treatment and the burnings of effigies of the offending housemates. We never thought we'd witness the image of a popstar being burnt, it's just like that time Kevin Rowland got bottled at the Reading Festival. Well, OK, it's a bit more serious than that. It's more like the time Daphne and Celeste got bottled at the Reading Festival.

In a bid to try and move attention away from the offensive and unpleasant views of some of the housemates, Channel 4 are planning on introducing some new celebrities into the house tonight, though obviously they're hoping to keep the ructions to a minimum by picking a trio of stars who are most likely to fit into the group with the minimum of fuss. To this end it's fully expected that joining the current crop of contestants will be Bernard Manning, BNP leader Nick Griffin and The Ghost of Enoch Powell.

Anyway, back to today's events and H was keen to find out what happened in the argument between Jade and Shilpa, asking for the gossip the instant he woke up. His enthusiasm waned, however, the instant Shilpa began answering his question and he quickly buggered off to make a cup of tea instead. Jermaine took more of an interest and suggested that they should take a leaf out of his brother's book and definitely not bugger little boys, no way never. Umm, sorry, no, he actually said they should listen to Man in the Mirror and tried to point out explicity to Shilpa that the problem was racism, something she still seems to be refusing to acknowledge. A bit like Channel 4 themselves, really.

Jo also seems unable to acknowledge that there's a problem, and spent the morning in bed with the rest of the coven, listening to Jade recount a dream which she definitely did have and hasn't made up at all. It involved Shilpa and her family - which in the 'dream' was extended. There's a surprise - coming into the house and fighting the three of them. In ended when Big Brother called the Coven into the diary room and Shilpa and her family remained unpunished. "It's a bit like what happened before!", exclaimed Jo, referring to the incident where Carole and Cleo got punished for talking about nominations and Shilpa didn't. "Bitch!", exclaimed Danielle, referring to her inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality.

Despite earlier declaring that she wasn't going to do any cooking today, Shilpa, umm, did some cooking today. Or tried to, at any rate. In an attempt to salvage something from the chicken based debacle of yesterday, she attempted to make some chicken soup from the bones. But unfortunately that turned into a bit of a debacle as well, with her coming to the conclusion that it wasn't cooked properly and so needed to be chucked away. Except for some reason, rather than chucking it down the sink, she decided to try and flush it down the toilet, blocking the plumbing and making her an unpopular girl amongst the housemates. Well, slightly more unpopular, that is. "What a stupid thing to do", commented Jo which is, perhaps, a fair point, but given that Shilpa clearly announced her potential toilet blocking intentions to the rest of the group, she did have ample opportunity to suggest a slightly more suitable alternative.

Still, the housemates had their weekly shopping task to try and bring some team spirit, comradeship and bonhomie back into the group, and the theme was a red carpet based obstacle course, with the housemates all sporting unsuitable evening dresses and tuxedos for their attempt. Jo wondered what would happen if a boob popped out, seemingly unaware that this possibility was the main reason why Big Brother had insisted on the girls putting on strappy dresses. Danielle 'accidentally' fell foul of this, but given that she had a sturdy bikini top on underneath we're not quite sure why they were all worrying so much. They failed, and have now been left with a basic shopping budget for a week and some unpleasant mess all over them.

The easiest of these issues to deal with was the gunge, and they all trooped off to have showers, although Big Brother isn't known for it's leniency and they weren't supplied with a lot of hot water for the task. "Hurry up Shilpa", cried Jo and Danielle, as she cleansed herself. "You've gotta be quick! Come on!", they continued. Shilpa had been in the shower for two minutes.

The lack of food is more likely to cause problems, and by God, this is a house that doesn't need any more issues. Cleo was particularly worried about how Jo would cope: "She prefers to function with something in her system". Please, insert your own innuendo. Even if 'insert' may not be the best word to use. But as they've shown, the housemates are quick to band together to deal with any problems that come their way. Ahem. And so it was when they attempted to put together their shopping list, a task which quickly descended into bitchiness, pointless fights and general argumentativeness. So much so that they continued on past their alloted hour and Big Brother called a housemate into the diary room, Shilpa went, and told her that they'd gone overtime and had, as such, failed the task. Shilpa returned to the group and did nothing more than tell them what Big Brother had said, before going to tell the other housemates. As Shilpa left, a sympathetic Jo told the other housemates: "She's too controlling, trying to tell people what to do". But of course, as Channel 4 keep telling us, there is no bullying going on in that house.

But the pressure is getting to Jo, as being away from home for such an amazingly long period of time, also known as a fortnight, triggered a panic attack in her, with much wailing, and hyperventilating and gnashing of teeth coming from her. "She's just really missing home", said Danielle, who later offered a teddybear for comfort. She soon recovered, however, thanks to a combination of time, comfort, and a concoction which Jade and Danielle brewed for her consisting of eye of newt and leg of frog, wing of bat and hair of dog.