Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Friday, January 05, 2007

Pan O'Meara/The H Factor: Day 1 

Day 1 in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and the celebrities are arriving one by one. Jermaine is the first to enter and he has his name sewn across the crotch area of his trousers in sequins. Either this shows an impressive lack of ego as he believes that no-one will know who he is without some sort of label, or an impressive beast of an ego, as he's clearly assuming that most people in the house will be spending an inordinate amount of time looking at his groin. But who cares! The fourth entrant into the house is the first of our heroes, it's Ex-Club 7 member, Jo O'Meara! And she is terrified by the whole concept. Not that you'd know, of course, as she manages to keep her fears under wraps for the most part and the only clue to the scared and frightened girl lurking beneath the bolshy Essex exterior is the fact that she informed the group every five seconds that she was terrified and asked every single newcomer into the house "Were you scared?". She calmed down a bit, however, as she chatted with Danielle about the fact that neither of them knew who anyone else in the house was. Jo even admitted to not having a clue who Danielle was either, which is OK, as not even Danielle seems to be entirely aware of who she is, and Jo was able to explain away her ignorance by revealing that "I hate papers, I don't read 'em", and the pair of them had a bonding bitch about showbiz journalists, presumably out of anger and jealousy at the fact they get paid to be bitchy.

Also the subject of their withering scorn was Ken Russell. The Oscar nominated, highly lauded, elder statesman of British film was quickly dismissed as giving them "the creeps", with Jo adamant that she wasn't going to sleep next to him. Given who else was still to come through the doors, this may well seem like a glorious option in comparison.

After Donny walked in - "you're going to be a bit crazy, aren't you?", said Jo, like an enthusiastic babysitter - our second hero arrives, Ian Watkins, or H as we all know him. On seeing Jo he jumped with glee, gave a scream and ran and gave her a hug. And to think he's gay, you really can't tell. Jo was equally happy to her old pal from the Saturday morning circuit and the two were swiftly gossiping together like old times. "I came out today", said H. Jo didn't look hugely surprised.

Meanwhile, with all the housemates now fully enconsed in the house, Donny decided to jump into the hot tub fully clothed. This is because he is a punk rocker and that's what punk rockers do, sticking two fingers up at authority. The fact that his actions are akin to those of a rambunctious five year old greeted with the twin joys of a puddle and brand new wellingtons should not in anyway undermine the anti-establishment nature of his antics. Jo looked on aghast at this, though whether it was shock or self-respect that prevented her from joining in the sing-a-long of Merry Christmas Everybody which Donny demanded from his watery seat we shall perhaps never know.

Donny is certainly making his presence felt, with Danielle later revealing to Jo that Donny had already tried to make a move on her. "You'd better watch yourself", was Jo's advice, before brandishing a rolling pin "In case he comes anywhere near me tonight". Apropos of nothing, H chose this opportunity to do an impression of the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show. Either that or he was having an asthma attack.

But if Jo seemed to be believing herself to be in an Andy Capp cartoon, Danielle also seemed to believe she only existed in tabloid strip form - and not just Page 3, arf - recounting to Jo the fact that Ken had just got changed into his pyjamas in front of her without making any effort to protect his modesty, she referred to his "Meat and two veg", a phrase which has never ever been uttered outside of Dear Deidrie's Photo Casebook.

When the bedroom finally opened for business, the housemates quickly swarmed in with only one mission on their mind: don't be left sleeping in the bed next to Donny". Unfortunately for them, there's 11 celebrities - yeah, yeah, we know, but that's how Channel 4 are referring to them - and only ten beds, which means that some poor sod will be actually sleeping next to Donny. Jo, whose back problems have left her somewhat slow off the mark, was left in that unfortunate position. Fortunately she, as a grown woman, did what any self respecting adult would do; she threw a hissy fit. "I ain't getting into bed with Donny, I would rather sleep on the floor". Fortunately Leo, despite his stature and hairstyle, is a gentleman and offered to swap beds. Jo thanked him, explaining: "I can't sleep with a guy like...", and here there was a Pinter-esque pause, loaded with desperation and disgust as she attempted the impossible task of putting into words her already, despite the fact she's barely been aware of his existence for more than a couple of hours, deep seated loathing for the wannabe rebel but being left with no other option than to simply say "...that".

These feelings seemed to thaw somewhat - though not enough to actually suggest them sharing a bed - later as, while H discussed his and Jo's relationship with some of the housemates - "We were the naughty two, smoking together" which, admittedly, doesn't sound that naughty, but is still a damned sight more rebellious than anything DOnny has ever done - Jo offered some motherly advice to the drunken Donny - "drink plenty of water" - and engaged him in conversation about why he was in a band. Apparently he used to play football but he was better at being in a band so decided to go for that instead. We can only assume, then, that his football skills amounted to little more than running towards the ball, attempting to kick it before falling over.

Bedtime came, and while Leo Sayer found himself unable to sleep, the naked presence of Donny Tourette being surprisingly offputting, restful slumber wasn't coming to our heroes either, thanks mainly to the somewhat vocal nature of Ken's snoring. "Fucking put a pillow on his head", was Jo's rather ungracious attempt to make her fellow housemates sleep more easily. Perhaps she'll be less ratty in the morning, after she's had a good night's sleep. Ah... never mind.