Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Saturday, May 13, 2006

The 89th Actual Worst Song, Ever 

Blue is the colour, shit songs is the game

If you've ever seen Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat you'll have come away from it knowing two salient facts. One is that Ancient Egypt was ruled not by dignified and revered Pharohs as you might have thought, but instead was controlled by a poor quality Elvis impersonator who likes nothing better than forcing members of his court to dress up as cattle and dance for him, the other being that anything multicoloured is good by definition. It's a somewhat questionable hypothesis - yes, that's right, we've used the word hypothesis - given that generally the sight of someone wearing a multicoloured coat doesn't have you thinking "Wow! They are so cool!", but instead is more likely to make you think of them dismissively as an attention seeking hippy, and an attention seeking hippy with poor fashion sense at that. But still, if Andrew Lloyd-Webber - and, to a lesser extent, the Bible - say it then it must be true, so any band that decides to style themselves in a monotone fashion must be pretty dull indeed. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Blue.

Not only did Lee, Duncan, The One from I'm a Celebrity... and The Other One decide to name themselves after a lone colour but, as if to compound the mistake, they chose a particularly dull colour to name themselves after. Given that the Crayola colour wheel contains such gems as Electric Lime, Hot Magenta, Laser Lemon and the slightly dubiously named Purple Mountain Majesty, they could have gone for something so much more interesting. Even Burnt Sienna has its plus points, but no, they went for Blue, a colour which speaks more of dead bodies being dredged from lakes than exciting, fun pop music. So, come to think of it, perhaps they were right to choose that particular moniker.

While it was, perhaps, inevitable they would turn up in this list, it was a struggle choosing exactly which example of their mediocre art should represent them here. Should it be One Love, with its laughable "One love for the hip hop beats" line? Perhaps All Rise, with it's excruiating courtroom metaphor. Guilty, maybe? Certainly the anguished delivery of the "But I'm Guillllllty" line is just crying out for a 3T-esque petulant throwing of a rucksack down onto the ground, but no, it's none of those. Instead it's Fly By which is Blue's representative here. Why? Uh, have you heard it? It's a desperate attempt to sound all street and sexy, despite the fact that listening to this leaves you with the impression that the nearest they've ever got to bump 'n' grind is having a car accident. Indeed, the main gist of the song is that they want to do the dirty in a car - "after dark", they add hopefully, knowing that few ladies are likely to be impressed by the offer of a quick fumble in Sainsbury's car park while shoppers attempt to load up their boots on either side of them. Later they claim to have "UK style, UK flow. We got you hot like whoa". A statement that left those of us lucky enough to have dual nationality quickly renouncing their British passports.

Despite the obvious fears, the Blue split hasn't led to four god-awful solo careers. Not that they haven't tried, of course, but thankfully they all seem to have vanished into the obscurity they deserve, with the exception of Simon Webbe's Lighthouse Family cast off No Worries, of course, which still seems to be torturing our ears whenever we turn on The Hits. It won't be long now, though, until even his career flies by into the dim and distant past like Concorde in a hurry. Arf.