Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Nominations of the Damned
You know, we're now completely convinced that the people behind the Brit Awards hate music in all its myriad forms, except for the forms which can be lumped together under the "Godawful shite" bracket, that is. Here are the nominations:-
- British Male Solo Artist
- Antony and the Johnsons
- Ian Brown
- James Blunt
- Robbie Williams
- Will Young
Presumably because Antony has a somewhat 'unusual' sounding voice and is critically revered, the judges heard Ian Brown's 'unusual' sounding voice and decided that his inability to hit a note makes him equally artistically valid. - Antony and the Johnsons
- British Female Solo Artist
- Charlotte Church
- Kate Bush
- Katie Melua
- KT Tunstall
- Natasha Bedingfield
Given that Natasha was up for this prize last year and hasn't exactly done, well, anything much in the last twelve months, it's pretty safe to assume that they were struggling to fill the gaps in this category. Something which can also be surmised by the fact that KT Tunstall and Katie Melua are also nominated - Charlotte Church
- British Group
- Coldplay
- Franz Ferdinand
- Gorillaz
- Hard-Fi
- Kaiser Chiefs
A nomination for Coldplay? Be still my beating heart. - Coldplay
- MasterCard British Album
- Coldplay - X & Y
- Gorillaz - Demon Days
- James Blunt - Back To Bedlam
- Kaiser Chiefs - Employment
- Kate Bush - Aerial
There's actually a couple of good albums here, but the fact that they've decided to give both Coldplay and James Blunt their second appearances in the shortlist despite the fact that they're so dull and pointless their CD's barely count as coasters, let alone albums tempers things slightly. - Coldplay - X & Y
- British Single
- Coldplay - Speed Of Sound
- James Blunt - You're Beautiful
- Shayne Ward - That's My Goal
- Sugababes - Push The Button
- Tony Christie ft Peter Kay - (Is This The Way To) Amarillo
We can't blame the judges for this, as the shortlist here is based on the top selling singles of the year, which means that this list merely reflects badly on society, but then, the mere existence of James Blunt shows that civilisation still has a long way to go. - Coldplay - Speed Of Sound
- British Breakthrough Act
- Arctic Monkeys
- James Blunt
- Kaiser Chiefs
- KT Tunstall
- Magic Numbers
Obviously the meaning of 'Breakthrough' has changed from "A major achievement or success that permits further progress" to "Selling a few records despite having no redeeming features whatsoever" - Arctic Monkeys
- British Urban Act
- Craig David
- Dizzee Rascal
- Kano
- Lemar
- Ms Dynamite
It's like someone turned on The Box and wrote down the names of the first five black artists they saw... - Craig David
- British Rock Act
- Franz Ferdinand
- Hard-Fi
- Kaiser Chiefs
- Kasabian
- Oasis
...while writing down the names of the first five acts with guitars for this category. Bloc Party presumably proved to be too tricky for them to classify. - Franz Ferdinand
- British Live Act
- Coldplay
- Kaiser Chiefs
- Franz Ferdinand
- KT Tunstall
- Oasis
They must all be good live! They play all their own instruments and everyth-*snore* - Coldplay
- Pop Act
- James Blunt
- Katie Melua
- Kelly Clarkson
- Madonna
- Westlife
We're not quite sure under what criteria James Blunt and KatiMeluaus could be described as pop. The only way their names could be used in conjunction with that word is in answer to the question "If James Blunt and Katie Melua where inflated like balloons and you had a pin, what noise would you like them to make". And we're also confused as to why they've decided to spell "Girls Aloud" as "W-e-s-t-l-i-f-e". Don't they have people to check for this sort of thing? - James Blunt
- International Male Solo Artist
- Beck
- Bruce Springsteen
- Jack Johnson
- John Legend
- Kanye West
Bruce Springsteen wrote Max Bygrave's Pink Toothbrush, Blue Toothbrush. Fact. - Beck
- International Female Solo Artist
- Bjork
- Kelly Clarkson
- Madonna
- Mariah Carey
- Missy Elliot
Bjork, of course, always gets a nomination, regardless of whether she's actually released anything or not - see also Beck - while Missy has a tendency to turn up on the list as, like Ms Dynamite, she's both street yet safe at the same time; a bit like those "Twenty's Plenty" zones you see around schools these days. - Bjork
- International Group
- Arcade Fire
- Black Eyed Peas
- Green Day
- U2
- White Stripes
With the exception of the Arcade Fire, this is exactly the same shortlist they have every year. We realise they've kinda lost interest in the whole process by this point in the nominations - we know we have - but you think they'd at least try and pretend that they cared. - Arcade Fire
- International Album
- Arcade Fire - Funeral
- Green Day - American Idiot
- Kanye West - Late Registration
- Madonna - Confessions On A Dancefloor
- U2 - How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
Anyone else get the feeling they're hoping to have Madonna as a late addition to the bill for the live show? - Arcade Fire - Funeral
- International Breakthrough Act
- Arcade Fire
- Daniel Powter
- Jack Johnson
- John Legend
- Pussycat Dolls
There's presumably two Daniel Powters and the one they've nominated is actually good and talented and not just an annoying twat in a hat. Similarly, we guess there must be two Jack Johnsons as well, as no-one in the world actually cares about the one we've heard of. - Arcade Fire
- Outstanding Contribution to music
- Paul Weller
Oh for fuck's sake.
