Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dusty 

Apparently England are playing Australia for some sort of cricketing based prize this weekend. We're Scottish, so quite frankly fail to see why everyone's getting so excited about a bunch of public schoolboys arseing around in a field for five sodding days, but we do recognise lazy article inspiration when we see it, so with that in mind we proudly present England versus Australia: The Pop Ashes.



Represented by Girls Aloud, with the very much Irish blooded Nadine being left on the sidelines. Which, let's face it, is how we'd all rather see the group.Represented by The Ozzie Dream Team: Consisting of Kylie and Dannii Minogue, Peter Andre and, ummm, Stefan Dennis


Very strong. Not one of the girls is jockeying for position and setting out the ground to leave the squad and strike out on her own. No. Definitely not. The bulk of the batting order is still under discussion, but it has been confirmed that Nicola will be batting last. If at all.Poor. Kylie has, of course, just recovered from a bout of cancer and still isn't quite fighting fit, while Dannii, not to be outdone, got a papercut while reading the horoscope for cancer in her local newspaper. Peter Andre is AWOL today, what with him getting married to Jordan, which just goes to show that he has an innate understanding of how to stretch a joke well beyond his natural lifespan. Stefan is 100% fit, albeit not in the Smash Hits sense of the word.


Not their strongest suit, what with each one of them being, well, a girl and, as such, throwing like one.Again, Kylie and Dannii let the side down thanks to their feminine throwing handicap, though Kylie can occasionally be adept at getting the ball spinning around. Peter isn't much better; when he concentrates he can do well, but he generally loses focus upon catching sight of his reflection in the shiny, shiny surface of the cricket ball and starts crying in frustration at being unable to understand how come he's trapped inside. Fortunately the stakes are raised by Stefan Dennis who, in his role as Paul Robinson in Neighbours, has thrown plenty of curve balls on his way to success in the cut throat world of hotel management.


Cheryl has already demonstrated to the world, or at least that part of the world consisting largely of toilet attendants, the power of her strike, so just imagine what she can do with a lump of wood in her hands. The others are less impressive, with Kimberly considering it to be a success if she simply manages to avoid being hit by the ball.Stefan lacks confidence in this area, but Kylie does believe in him, so he just needs to get over his lack of self-belief and he'll be fine. Peter's lucky if he manages to avoid knocking over the stumps due to his own clumsiness, so perhaps it's as well that he's off cementing his relationship with the one true love of his life, OK Magazine. Also, due to some unpleasant business regarding a jealous attack on the offices of her sister's management company, Dannii is legally prevented from brandishing anything which may be used as a weapon so will be forced to sit this one out as well.


Sarah will shine here as, according to popular toilet wisdom, she's particularly adept at handling balls. This more than makes up for the other girls who, despite their coach's best effort, still insist that best tactic for success is to run away squealing should the ball even vaguely head in their direction.Toilet wisdom is also on Dannii's side here, as, if the graffiti is to be believed, she's caught all manner of things in the past. Stefan is also one to watch here, as he'll be downing a strange concoction of his own creation - which in no way contains any banned substance. The crowd may have their doubts about this voodoo inspired drink, but once they see him in action, they'll all have to agree that don't it make him field good.


Due to cost cutting in the catering department and the, with hindsight, poor decision to bulk buy some slightly whiffy eggs, both teams will be scoring highly in the runs department. Which, looking on the brightside, will give them ample opportunity to keep informed of any new toilet wisdom which may be shared.


In a bid to inspire them, earlier today the Queen presented them with a special collection of gift wrapped cricket bats, but despite this the girls will be more worried about breaking a nail than breaking any records, so will probably put in a performance that could, at best, be described as lack-lustre. They'll no doubt play solidly, however, having already proven a predilection for hitting number twos.While for most the thought of winning a cup containing some ashes is about as desirable as coming home to discover that your house has been taken over by a militant group of squirrels, for Dannii, Peter and Stefan, the value of what would normally be considered waste equates to more than their combined earnings over the last five years, so they'll be more than keen to get their hands on it. They're also far more likely to score a six than a number one, which is in their favour, though to be fair, even a six is quite unlikely for them and, cruelly, the board of cricketing standards refuses to admit scores of the 75 and beyond variety.
Well it's all exciting stuff, isn't it! Why not join us next week when the victors will be going head to head with Kelis to discover just who will be the first to get caught out there.