Tuesday, June 28, 2005
5 Songs That Changed The World
Bob Geldof reckons that music has the power to change the world. Mind you, he also reckons that sending loads of untrained and underexperienced sailors to cross the channel and ferry across a handful of uninterested Frenchmen is a good idea, so what does he know? Still, who knows? He might just be right and, as part of our build up to the Live 8 'extravaganza', we're suspending our cynicism and proudly present our look at the five songs that actually did manage to change the world. Today, Benny Hill and Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)
It was 1936, and lawlessness ruled the land. Well, in as much as lawlessness can really rule anything, that is, but certainly fear, recklessness and a vague concern as to what that Mr Hitler was getting up to were the mainstays of public opinion. It was against this backdrop that the initial part of our tale takes place. A tale of rivalry, a tale of love, but above all a tale of milk.
Now, you probably know the tale we're about to recount as it was, famously, described by Benny Hill in the song of which we speak, but it wasn't until 1971 when Benny took the brave step to speak out about the events that the true history of the heinous crime was known. The story runs pretty much as follows: Ernie was the local milkman who had both a disregard for the speed limit and the moral obligations of his role in the community. However, he was loved by the customers on his round and they did enjoy his sexually suggestive banter, this being a somewhat morally repressed time. Also, they were quite fond of the extra special cream that he would give to some of his more favoured customers. Though the less said about his gold top, the better.
Now, while Ernie had a fondness for all his customers, his favourite was undoubtedly a lady called Sue, who lived by herself in Linley Lane (Number 22 if you're interested). While his intentions towards her weren't exactly pure, they were honest, as she was a widow. Although this doesn't necessarily mean that he's not a cad - how long her husbands corpse had been cold for isn't made clear, and we'd be very surprised if it would have been able to keep Ernie's dairy products at a suitably chilly temperature - he was very much in love with the woman and would have done anything for her, even if it meant taking his hat off.
Unfortunately for Ernie, Sue was a very fickle lady, who loved not for the joy of love itself, but for what freebies she could get from the tradesmen who would pass through her door. Some would say this made her no better than a common prostitute or OK Journalist, but not Ernie, if only because OK Magazine didn't yet exist, though if he did hear someone saying that about the lady of his dreams he would no doubt have gotten very angry indeed. What did make him angry, however, was Ted who, in a somewhat unlikely fashion, came from Teddington, and drove the bakers van. With his promises of foot long baguettes and hot dough balls, it was clear that, in the long term, Ernie didn't stand a chance against the bakers man and all he had to offer, but in the short term, Sue was quite happy to drop her knickers for the promise of a free yoghurt so he was still happily making his deliveries there, even if all the while he was seething at Ted who was regularly popping round to drop off a cream eclair.
Things eventually came to a head when Ted drove past Sue's house one lunchtime, only to discover Ernie's horse and cart still parked outside. Naturally angered by this state of affairs, particularly as this was far too late to be delivering milk in time for a breakfast cuppa, Ted ran over and kicked Ernie's horse. Ernie was angered by this and rushed out of the house to confront the equine injurer. Rather than agreeing that, at best, Sue was a lady of dubious repute and that she really wasn't worth getting all hot and bothered about, at least not in the fisticuffs sense of the word, they instead decided to act like schoolkids and have a fight over her. While Ernie may have been fast on his milkcart, he was less fast when it came to avoiding rock cakes, and a swift bash to his noggin quickly put him out for the count.
Ernie died. And, due to the lawlessness of the times, Ted escaped from justice and got the girl. Naturally Ernie's family were angered by this and campaigned long and hard for Ted to stand trial for the murder of an honest, if adulterous, milkman. Unfortunately for them, the Government would hear nothing of it, pointing out that a) they didn't really care that much, b) whacking someone on the head with a rock cake isn't actually a crime and c) Ernie had been driving his milk floats at speeds far in excess of the legal limits, so they might want to keep quiet about all this going to court business unless they wanted to find their own family name blackened.
Still they struggled on, but without celebrity support,they found it hard to interest the media in their plight. It was only when, in 1971, one of Ernie's illegitimate grandchildren drunkenly accosted Benny Hill in a bar that wheels began to get in motion. After the grandson informed Benny that he was in possession of a number of compromising photos of the portly comedian - namely ones featuring him being chased around by a bevvy of fully dressed females - he leapt into action, recording Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West) in a bid to embarrass the Government into charging Ted's family for the crimes of their predecessor. It worked! The then Prime Minister, being as much of a sucker for a novelty single about warring tradesmen as the rest of us, soon had every single person in the UK whose lineage could be traced back to the bed hopping bakersman handed down a life sentence and locked up for the murder of Ernie and, just to even things up, everyone with even a vague connection to the moribund milkman found themselves with 3 points on their license and a £50 speeding fine. Then, to prevent such a heinous act happening in the future, murdering people with rock cakes was officially declared to be "Naughty" and thus, the loophole was closed, all thanks to Benny Hill. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen is the true story of how Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West) changed the world. Or at least the part of it related to killing people with flour and currant based concoctions.
It was 1936, and lawlessness ruled the land. Well, in as much as lawlessness can really rule anything, that is, but certainly fear, recklessness and a vague concern as to what that Mr Hitler was getting up to were the mainstays of public opinion. It was against this backdrop that the initial part of our tale takes place. A tale of rivalry, a tale of love, but above all a tale of milk.
Now, you probably know the tale we're about to recount as it was, famously, described by Benny Hill in the song of which we speak, but it wasn't until 1971 when Benny took the brave step to speak out about the events that the true history of the heinous crime was known. The story runs pretty much as follows: Ernie was the local milkman who had both a disregard for the speed limit and the moral obligations of his role in the community. However, he was loved by the customers on his round and they did enjoy his sexually suggestive banter, this being a somewhat morally repressed time. Also, they were quite fond of the extra special cream that he would give to some of his more favoured customers. Though the less said about his gold top, the better.
Now, while Ernie had a fondness for all his customers, his favourite was undoubtedly a lady called Sue, who lived by herself in Linley Lane (Number 22 if you're interested). While his intentions towards her weren't exactly pure, they were honest, as she was a widow. Although this doesn't necessarily mean that he's not a cad - how long her husbands corpse had been cold for isn't made clear, and we'd be very surprised if it would have been able to keep Ernie's dairy products at a suitably chilly temperature - he was very much in love with the woman and would have done anything for her, even if it meant taking his hat off.
Unfortunately for Ernie, Sue was a very fickle lady, who loved not for the joy of love itself, but for what freebies she could get from the tradesmen who would pass through her door. Some would say this made her no better than a common prostitute or OK Journalist, but not Ernie, if only because OK Magazine didn't yet exist, though if he did hear someone saying that about the lady of his dreams he would no doubt have gotten very angry indeed. What did make him angry, however, was Ted who, in a somewhat unlikely fashion, came from Teddington, and drove the bakers van. With his promises of foot long baguettes and hot dough balls, it was clear that, in the long term, Ernie didn't stand a chance against the bakers man and all he had to offer, but in the short term, Sue was quite happy to drop her knickers for the promise of a free yoghurt so he was still happily making his deliveries there, even if all the while he was seething at Ted who was regularly popping round to drop off a cream eclair.
Things eventually came to a head when Ted drove past Sue's house one lunchtime, only to discover Ernie's horse and cart still parked outside. Naturally angered by this state of affairs, particularly as this was far too late to be delivering milk in time for a breakfast cuppa, Ted ran over and kicked Ernie's horse. Ernie was angered by this and rushed out of the house to confront the equine injurer. Rather than agreeing that, at best, Sue was a lady of dubious repute and that she really wasn't worth getting all hot and bothered about, at least not in the fisticuffs sense of the word, they instead decided to act like schoolkids and have a fight over her. While Ernie may have been fast on his milkcart, he was less fast when it came to avoiding rock cakes, and a swift bash to his noggin quickly put him out for the count.
Ernie died. And, due to the lawlessness of the times, Ted escaped from justice and got the girl. Naturally Ernie's family were angered by this and campaigned long and hard for Ted to stand trial for the murder of an honest, if adulterous, milkman. Unfortunately for them, the Government would hear nothing of it, pointing out that a) they didn't really care that much, b) whacking someone on the head with a rock cake isn't actually a crime and c) Ernie had been driving his milk floats at speeds far in excess of the legal limits, so they might want to keep quiet about all this going to court business unless they wanted to find their own family name blackened.
Still they struggled on, but without celebrity support,they found it hard to interest the media in their plight. It was only when, in 1971, one of Ernie's illegitimate grandchildren drunkenly accosted Benny Hill in a bar that wheels began to get in motion. After the grandson informed Benny that he was in possession of a number of compromising photos of the portly comedian - namely ones featuring him being chased around by a bevvy of fully dressed females - he leapt into action, recording Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West) in a bid to embarrass the Government into charging Ted's family for the crimes of their predecessor. It worked! The then Prime Minister, being as much of a sucker for a novelty single about warring tradesmen as the rest of us, soon had every single person in the UK whose lineage could be traced back to the bed hopping bakersman handed down a life sentence and locked up for the murder of Ernie and, just to even things up, everyone with even a vague connection to the moribund milkman found themselves with 3 points on their license and a £50 speeding fine. Then, to prevent such a heinous act happening in the future, murdering people with rock cakes was officially declared to be "Naughty" and thus, the loophole was closed, all thanks to Benny Hill. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen is the true story of how Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West) changed the world. Or at least the part of it related to killing people with flour and currant based concoctions.
