Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Savin' Stevens 

Rachel Stevens has a new single out this week. We didn't think that this was worth mentioning as we assumed that everyone would realise it's genius and would be rushing out to buy it. Unfortunately though, despite the fact that this is an odd-numbered release and, as such, follows the established pattern by being little short of perfection, it also, judging by the midweeks, is continuing to follow the established pattern by not actually getting to it's deserved position at number one. This is not good and, while we do trust our readership to have had the good sense to have bought it already, to persuade the waverers, here are 10 reasons why you should buy it.
  1. If this doesn't become the international megahit it fully deserves to be, Rachel's management team will decide that exciting retro-futuristic electro pop isn't the way to go and crap covers of the More More More variety are what the public wants to hear. This can't be allowed to happen.
  2. The B-side, Queen, is a rather good slice of smoky, laid-back pop which wouldn't have faired too badly if it was released as a single in it's own right, although it isn't really in the same league as Negotiate with Love
  3. Negotiate with Love really is fucking ace. While many people criticise Rachel for being a personality vacuum (Arf! Though possibly one that might need to be explained) with all the vocal presence of a light breeze, this is actually her strength. It allows her to become a canvas, a cipher if you will, for the writers and producers to project their images onto her. A fully malleable pop princess for the 21st century.
  4. She was in S Club 7 for God's sake. Their struggle can't be allowed to be in vain. With Jo seemingly preferring to get pissed with Jodie Marsh, rather than actually releasing the killer pop tune that we all know she's got in her and the others just doing, well, something else, Rachel is the only one carrying on their legacy. She can't be allowed to fail.
  5. The video's on the single as well, which means you can watch half-a-dozen Rachels trashing a house which, let's face it, is pretty cool. Although it does mean that should she fail to make it to album number 3, she's unlikely to be able to find employment as a maid or in any other cleanliness related job.
  6. She was in the rubbish "Spiderplant Man" that was shown as part of Comic Relief, so she needs some sort of success to perk up her spirits and remind her that she does possess some sort of talent.
  7. If it doesn't get to number one, we won't really be able to use the following joke:-

    Q: Why doesn't Rachel Stevens ask for a discount on moisturising bodywash?
    A: Because she won't negotiate with Dove.

    Though some may say that that's a good reason not to buy the record.
  8. You get a free game with the CD! You get to 'be' Rachel and do exactly what she does, although it turns out that this involves walking round a house, picking up love hearts and avoiding clones of yourself, rather than stripping down to your scanties and posing for a men's magazine.
  9. There's also an interview with her answering questions from the fans, this includes the revelation that she'd quite like to do a duet with Mike Skinner. We feel that Mike is also quite keen to duet with Rachel, though probably not in the way that she has in mind.
  10. If you don't buy this single, we'll buy a kitten and drown it. Seriously. And it won't be our fault if it dies. Do you really want to make a cute little kitty-cat suffer a horrible, frightening and painful death? Thought not. Buy it or have that on your conscience.

Oh, and apparently Estelle's Go Gone isn't exactly entering the charts with a bullet either. Come on people, sort it out...