Saturday, February 05, 2005
Euro Stars
After a Fame Academy loser failed to successfully fight our corner at Eurovision last year, the BBC have learnt from their mistakes and have this year shortlisted, ummm, a Pop Idol loser, a Popstars loser, an I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here loser, a Eurovision loser and a bunch of losers to fight against each other for the coveted chance to represent the UK in this year's contest.
First up is Andy Scott Lee, who seems to be treating Chumbawamba's Tubthumping as a personal anthem as no matter how many times he gets knocked down he just keeps getting back up again, much like a cockroach. Having already failed to win the public's hearts in both his own band, 3SL, and, more recently, Pop Idol, we're not quite sure why he feels he's going to fare any better in this contest, but we guess he needs something to do to fill up his time until this year's X Factor auditions.
Next we have Javine, the girl who very nearly was in Girls Aloud, but who instead ended up releasing two fantastic singles, a rubbish third and a pretty mediocre album and who is now teetering on the brink of failure, or, if you wish to believe the BBC's website, enjoyed "massive success as a solo artist in her own right." . We do really like Javine, mainly because Real Things and Surrender were very ace indeed so we'd like her to do well, but ultimately we can't really see the voting public bothering about her that much. Shame.
Third on the list is Jordan, although for this she's going under the ridiculous stage name of Katie Price, presumably under the mistaken belief that this will get her taken seriously. She's always been quite desperate to get a record deal, despite the fact that she seems to possess no real musical talent - not that this has stopped people in the past, look at Toploader - but if you're living with Peter Andre it's not really surprising that you suddenly start thinking "Yeah, I could do that. And better.". Unfortunately, we remember her tuneless warblings during her time in the jungle and she really, really can't.
Fourth up and staging her second comeback in as many years is Gina G. Fresh (arf!) from losing Reborn in the USA, Gina is back to try and gain the Eurovision crown, considering quite rightly that she was robbed back in 1996 when she only came 7th with Ooh Aah, Just a Little Bit, which is not only one of the best Eurovision entries, but also one of the best songs ever written. We're happily nailing our colours to her mast and if she isn't our entry then the whole contest can just fuck right off.
Finally we have Tricolore who are essentially a low rent il Divo. We feel the only reason they're in the running is that it's hoped that if they represent us their name might trick the French into actually voting for us for a change.
Making Your Mind Up will be broadcast on March 5th, live on BBC One, and will be hosted by Terry Wogan and, for reasons which haven't been made entirely clear, Natasha Kaplinsky. Vote Gina.
First up is Andy Scott Lee, who seems to be treating Chumbawamba's Tubthumping as a personal anthem as no matter how many times he gets knocked down he just keeps getting back up again, much like a cockroach. Having already failed to win the public's hearts in both his own band, 3SL, and, more recently, Pop Idol, we're not quite sure why he feels he's going to fare any better in this contest, but we guess he needs something to do to fill up his time until this year's X Factor auditions.
Next we have Javine, the girl who very nearly was in Girls Aloud, but who instead ended up releasing two fantastic singles, a rubbish third and a pretty mediocre album and who is now teetering on the brink of failure, or, if you wish to believe the BBC's website, enjoyed "massive success as a solo artist in her own right." . We do really like Javine, mainly because Real Things and Surrender were very ace indeed so we'd like her to do well, but ultimately we can't really see the voting public bothering about her that much. Shame.
Third on the list is Jordan, although for this she's going under the ridiculous stage name of Katie Price, presumably under the mistaken belief that this will get her taken seriously. She's always been quite desperate to get a record deal, despite the fact that she seems to possess no real musical talent - not that this has stopped people in the past, look at Toploader - but if you're living with Peter Andre it's not really surprising that you suddenly start thinking "Yeah, I could do that. And better.". Unfortunately, we remember her tuneless warblings during her time in the jungle and she really, really can't.
Fourth up and staging her second comeback in as many years is Gina G. Fresh (arf!) from losing Reborn in the USA, Gina is back to try and gain the Eurovision crown, considering quite rightly that she was robbed back in 1996 when she only came 7th with Ooh Aah, Just a Little Bit, which is not only one of the best Eurovision entries, but also one of the best songs ever written. We're happily nailing our colours to her mast and if she isn't our entry then the whole contest can just fuck right off.
Finally we have Tricolore who are essentially a low rent il Divo. We feel the only reason they're in the running is that it's hoped that if they represent us their name might trick the French into actually voting for us for a change.
Making Your Mind Up will be broadcast on March 5th, live on BBC One, and will be hosted by Terry Wogan and, for reasons which haven't been made entirely clear, Natasha Kaplinsky. Vote Gina.
