Monday, December 13, 2004
Mr Blobby, All is Forgiven
Despite it seeming ridiculously early, the race for the Christmas Number One starts this week, and by "Race for the Christmas Number One" we mean "Entirely foregone conclusion" as the odds of Band Aid 20 not being number one are only slightly less than those for Steve Brookstein having a long term career. Not that it's stopping people from having a shot anyway, most notably Ronan Keating, who's desperately hoping that, by promising to donate any profits to the Band Aid appeal, he might still be in with a chance of hitting the top spot with his version of Father and Son, recorded with known terrorist and leader of the Al Qaida network, Cat Stevens. We would actually prefer this, mainly for the simple reason that it's not Band Aid 20, but also because Father and Son is a really good track. It wasn't ruined by Ronan caterwauling over it when he was in Boyzone and he's not managed to ruin it now.
There seems, quite optimistically, to be a lot of indie in the new release racks this week, with Blink 182, The Concretes, Damien Rice, Elliot Smith, Jetplane Landing and My Chemical Romance all guaranteed to provide disappointment should one of their releases turn up in your stocking on Christmas morning. Morrissey also throws his hat into the ring by releasing I Have Forgiven Jesus, which we're sure is a great weight off of Jesus' mind, while The Zutons release Confusion, which is quite appropriate as our opinions on the band are quite confused. On the one hand their music is quite clearly godawful nonsense and they should not be allowed anywhere near a recording studio, but on the other, saxophonist Abi Harding has fantastic legs, thus making it hard for our shallow mind to entirely hate them.
While there might be a touch of realness in the releases, that doesn't mean there's no room for novelty, after all, what other time of the year can a bunch of untalented fuckwits demonstrate their hamfisted ability with a casio keyboard and complete lack of wit and get paid for it. So it is this year as a number of idiots once again hope and pray that people leave their good taste at the door when they enter HMV at this time of year. First up is Avid Merrion who's releasing another Bo Selecta Christmas single, presumably not realising that there is only a handful of people left in the country who believes that swearing in a northern accent and being faintly homophobic while wearing a rubber mask is actually funny. This time it's a cover of Sonny and Cher's I've Got You Babe featuring Davina McCall and Patsy Kensit and is pretty much as awful as you'd expect.
Filling up the comedy ranks we have Electric Six, who finally get around to releasing their cover of Radio Ga Ga. It was originally pencilled in for last year, but due to them bein too lazy to make a video, it never made it. This year they have bothered, and it's this video which is the song's main selling point featuring, as it does, Dick Valentine quite literally dancing on Freddie Mercury's grave. Bringing up the comedy rear we also have Goldie Lookin' Chain with You Knows I Love You, Hot Pantz and Give You One For Christmas and, finally, Westlife with their hilarious demolition of the rat pack classic Smile.
Basically, this year's selection is pretty uninspiring - when you're considering Cliff Richard for the pick of the bunch you know that you're in trouble. Ultimately everyone is pretty aware that there's not a great deal of point in releasing anything, Band Aid 20 is going to crush anything in it's path, so no-one's actually bothered. Even X Factor are waiting until the 20th to release Steve's guaranteed number one - and will no doubt claim when it hits pole position on Boxing Day that it's the real Christmas Number one - such is the all-stopping power of the charity behemoth. We'll half-heartedly back Ronan, in much the same way that'd we'd back breaking a leg over full-body amputation, none of the choices are exactly appealing, but at least it's the least painful of the lot.
There seems, quite optimistically, to be a lot of indie in the new release racks this week, with Blink 182, The Concretes, Damien Rice, Elliot Smith, Jetplane Landing and My Chemical Romance all guaranteed to provide disappointment should one of their releases turn up in your stocking on Christmas morning. Morrissey also throws his hat into the ring by releasing I Have Forgiven Jesus, which we're sure is a great weight off of Jesus' mind, while The Zutons release Confusion, which is quite appropriate as our opinions on the band are quite confused. On the one hand their music is quite clearly godawful nonsense and they should not be allowed anywhere near a recording studio, but on the other, saxophonist Abi Harding has fantastic legs, thus making it hard for our shallow mind to entirely hate them.
While there might be a touch of realness in the releases, that doesn't mean there's no room for novelty, after all, what other time of the year can a bunch of untalented fuckwits demonstrate their hamfisted ability with a casio keyboard and complete lack of wit and get paid for it. So it is this year as a number of idiots once again hope and pray that people leave their good taste at the door when they enter HMV at this time of year. First up is Avid Merrion who's releasing another Bo Selecta Christmas single, presumably not realising that there is only a handful of people left in the country who believes that swearing in a northern accent and being faintly homophobic while wearing a rubber mask is actually funny. This time it's a cover of Sonny and Cher's I've Got You Babe featuring Davina McCall and Patsy Kensit and is pretty much as awful as you'd expect.
Filling up the comedy ranks we have Electric Six, who finally get around to releasing their cover of Radio Ga Ga. It was originally pencilled in for last year, but due to them bein too lazy to make a video, it never made it. This year they have bothered, and it's this video which is the song's main selling point featuring, as it does, Dick Valentine quite literally dancing on Freddie Mercury's grave. Bringing up the comedy rear we also have Goldie Lookin' Chain with You Knows I Love You, Hot Pantz and Give You One For Christmas and, finally, Westlife with their hilarious demolition of the rat pack classic Smile.
Basically, this year's selection is pretty uninspiring - when you're considering Cliff Richard for the pick of the bunch you know that you're in trouble. Ultimately everyone is pretty aware that there's not a great deal of point in releasing anything, Band Aid 20 is going to crush anything in it's path, so no-one's actually bothered. Even X Factor are waiting until the 20th to release Steve's guaranteed number one - and will no doubt claim when it hits pole position on Boxing Day that it's the real Christmas Number one - such is the all-stopping power of the charity behemoth. We'll half-heartedly back Ronan, in much the same way that'd we'd back breaking a leg over full-body amputation, none of the choices are exactly appealing, but at least it's the least painful of the lot.
