Monday, December 06, 2004
Heart and Poll
Over at Popjustice.com, they're seeking your ballots in their yearly poll. Now, seeing as we rarely have an original idea to call our own, and are essentially a less funny rip-off of their site, we thought we'd use it as the basis for a post of our own, telling you what we're voting for and encouraging you lot to go for the same choices. Not because we don't trust you to have your own opinions - we're sure you do - but we don't trust you to have the right opinions, hence the need to give you this cheat sheet:-
- Most Spectacular Pop Failure // Phixx - What happened? Last year's Hold on Me was a genuinely exciting piece of eighties-esque modern pop despite, or perhaps because of, sounding a bit like Prefab Sprout's King of Rock and Roll. So, with such a storming start, what did they do? Arsed around dressed as vampires for the Love Revolution video and then took all the "new Duran Duran" hype which was vaguely mentioned by lazy journalists when they first hit the scene a bit too seriously by releasing a piss-poor cover of Wild Boys. As the next single, if it actually gets released, is a dull acoustic ballad, we feel it's time to treat them like a sick horse, take them out the back and shoot them. It'd be for the best in the long run.
- Best Bedingfield // Natasha - She's prettier, therefore she's going to win most contests between the Bedingfields, unless the contest is for "Twattiest Facial Hair".
- Best Popstar // Nicola Roberts - As if there's any competition.
- Worst Gossip Columnist // The Razz team at the Daily Record - For working a Scottish angle into any story, no matter how contrived, and for believing that the entire nation is interested in the antics of local Glaswegian DJ's.
- Worst Instance of Trading on former glories // Pop! - Specifically, the former glories belonging to Steps
- Best Single of 2004 // Annie Chewing Gum - Although our opinion on this can pretty much be ignored given that our memory is so poor we can barely remember what was released last week, let alone back in January.
- Worst Single of 2004 // Band Aid 20 Do They Know It's Christmas Time? - We don't need to give a reason, surely?
- Most Creative Use of Hair Straightening Technology // Aaron from V - For no other reason than he probably needs cheering up after V's less than stellar position in the album charts, so winning something would be good for him.
- Pop Personality Most Eligible to be Next British Prime Minister // Lee Ryan - As currently it seems that actually having a clue isn't a necessity for the job.
- Most Unlistenable Guitar-Based Racket // Kasabian - For being shit above and beyond the call of duty.
- Best Website That Isn't Popjustice.com // Talent in a Previous Life - What?
- Best Website That is Popjustice.com // Popjustice.com
- Most Vacuous Popstar // Jenny Frost - Although use of the term 'star' might make her ineligible.
- Most Inappropriately Fanciable Popstar // Hilary Duff - Yes, she's old enough, but it's still entirely wrong.
- Worst Cover Version // Band Aid 20 Do They Know it's Christmas Time - For the impressive task of managing to make a bad song even worse.
- Popstar You'd Least Expect to Find in a Bakery // Not Kylie, as you can't get her out of your bread, arf, but probably the Sugababes, who refused to go back there after an incident involving a hole in the bread. Arf. Again.
- Your thoughts on Kylie Minogue // Not as attractive as she thinks she is.
- Gayest straight person in pop // 50 Cent
- Sam & Mark described in one word // 'Hilarious'
- Sack the stylist // The 411 - From the one stocking look, to the recent eighties secretaries look that was sported at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party, they constantly fail to get even close to being right.
- Best Steps single (1997 - 2002) // Better Best Forgotten
- Popstar you'd invite to:
- An Eight-Year-Old's Birthday Party // Daniel Bedingfield - As he seems to be at the same level of hyper-activity.
- Your Leaving Do // Nicola Roberts - As she'd be obliged to give me a farewell kiss.
- An orgy // Nicola Roberts - As she'd be obliged to... etc.
- The (or a) pub // Nicola Roberts - As after all that I'd be obliged to at least buy her a drink.
- Dorset // Jamie Cullum - As the less likely he is to appear on television banging away on his piano like a retarded monkey, the better.
- An Eight-Year-Old's Birthday Party // Daniel Bedingfield - As he seems to be at the same level of hyper-activity.
- Popstar or act most due a comeback in 2005 // B*Witched - We can dream, can't we?
- Most memorable for whatever reason live event of 2004 // Scissor Sisters - But being so hip it hurts we're specifically meaning the small venue tour they did in February before everybody realised how ace they were.
- Best dream you had about a popstar in 2004 // We were playing guitar on stage with Christina Aguilera. On the one hand this was quite impressive as way have all the musical talent of, well, Blazin' Squad, but on the other, it wasn't as we were one of a hundred guitarists that Christina had on stage. And we don't mean 'had' in that sense, if we did we certainly wouldn't be writing about it here. We did get to play lead on her cover of Katrina and the Waves Walking on Sunshine, which doesn't actually exist, but believe us, it sounds fantastic.
- Most pointless album reissue // Girls Aloud Sound of the Underground - A poor relation of the far superior original release. Although You Freak Me Out is ace.
- Worst pop injustice of 2004 // Neither The Show nor Love Machine getting to number one, while I'll Stand By You strolled into the top slot.
- Worst performance in Band Aid 20 // Dizzee Rascal - "Give a little help to the helpless", my arse.
- Most desperate former popstar // Lisa Scott-Lee - But bless her for trying.
- THE MOST VERY AMAZING POP THING OR PERSON OF 2004 // Nicola. Naturally.
