Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Sunday, July 27, 2003

Brotherly Ambivalence : With TiaPL 

Well, Big Brother is finally over for another year and, quite frankly, that’s 9 weeks of my life I’m not going to be getting back in a hurry. Cameron won, but to be quite honest, being the winner of this years BB is about as much of a proud achievement as being the winner of the Least Likely To Be Pissed On If On Fire contest.

Yes, we had Jon Tickle, who was entertaining in the same way as peeling your skin is entertaining - fun at the time, but it sure as hell isn’t something you’d want to spend much longer than a few minutes doing. The only one of this years housemates who I had any time for was Sissy, partly because she was firey, had real character and emotions and passions, but mainly because she was an attractive redhead so was excellent by default. Unfortunately though she was unable to win as the voting public decided to vote her out for reasons best known to their depraved and twisted minds.

So instead, bringing up the rear we were left with Steph, who I used to liken to a gerbil, which I now realise is rather unfair to the rodent, as at least gerbils tend to do stuff in their cage, rather than simply do an intake of breath and express surprise and amazement at every single little thing that happened no matter how mundane and trivial. Scott was next, who managed to be in the house for 9 weeks without doing a single thing of note except for look a little bit like Robbie Williams or Will Young, depending on which angle the camera was looking at him from.

In second place we got Ray who, to be fair to him, did have a personality, unfortunately it was the personality of an overly aggressive macho twat who happily told Nush that he wanted to punch Steph in the face. For some reason this meant that he came in second, rather than the third place which I predicted, which says something very worrying about the British public.

Ray’s other main contribution to the show was to have a wank in the toilet, which wasn’t the only time Channel 4 broadcast a load of toss in the name of Big Brother.

So now, we come to the winner, Cameron, proving that once again Granny Power is not a force to be underestimated, it’s like Robson and Jerome all over again. Here we have someone who is the very definition of the sort of guy mums want their daughters to bring home. He also has nice hair. How could he fail to win? Well, possibly the fact that he was putting on a naïve and innocent act, despite being someone who has travelled the world and has a brother who already works in the media (Well, he ‘presents’ on Scottish TV) so he’s hardly new to this whole thing. He is certainly not someone who would be surprised and overjoyed by the site of apples upon walking into the house, but it was things like that that seemed to endear him to the audience who would immediately coo over him and mutter about him being so sweet. The fools.

So, what have we learnt this year? Well, other than the fact that putting 12 strangers together doesn’t necessarily make for interesting and exciting television, not a lot. Personally I’ve not learnt my lesson, I’ll still be back for more next year, although with any luck Davina won’t be. People will still be clamouring to be on the show, despite the fact that the only guaranteed job that comes out of being a BB contestant is commentating on the next series of Big Brother. And Channel 4 will still continue to make a fortune on the eviction phone-lines, the adverts and the completely pointless and meaningless polls that they do on Little Brother that stupid people actually waste 25p on to express their point of view about whether the housemates should be given lamb or pork chops.

Still, looking on the bright side, at least it filled in a few hours of existence before our inevitable death.